In retrospect, I have come to realize that my attitude and general unhappiness over the past year is my own doing. I returned from my summer holiday last year in Europe with a heavy heart, and I have felt burdened since. I did not want to come back, and that has been reflected in my attitude towards myself and others over the past year. I thought that if I made a spiritual journey, I would come back with my batteries recharged and a new prospective. My trip for Umrah was set up for failure on my part, because I expected something which did not thappen. I don't know if I thought I would hear harps playing, see Angels, have a personality change...I have no idea. I do know that I "got it" once I returned from Saudi Arabia. I realized that when I came back to Cairo last summer, I actually did not want to be here. I wanted to be with my husband, I missed him and loved him, I love my job and I wanted to return to work, but I did not want to live in this city any longer. If I could take my husband and my job out of the city, I would be very happy. I resented in some small way having to come back, and as soon as my flight landed in Cairo from Italy, I was primed with a grievance. That grievance snow balled over the year, and as a consequence I reacted to anything and everything with negativity. I was charged and what compounded my problem is that the other 28 million people in the city are charged in the same negative way. The moment you step outside of your home in Cairo you encounter a struggle. Everyone is struggling for space, air, recognition, money, peace of mind....you name it, we are struggling. I had lost my perspective, and I had become part of the problem. I was finding fault with everyone around me. I had comepletely lost my identity and absorbed the ones around me. I became a living, breathing, aggressive, defensive, argumentative whiner that was taking everything around me personally. I can't tell you how many times I told my husband that the taxi drivers know me now, and I have to argue with them all daily or otherwise they don't pick me up at all. That is incredible, and I have no idea how I came to that informed idea as we have millions of taxis in the city alone. I am sure in retrospect they do not know me personally. I had taken on the crazy, chaotic lifestyle of this city as my identity, and I was not handling it well at all. I was not optimistic and/or looking on the bright side of anything or anyone. I viewed everyone and all ideas with sarcasm and derision, I was not a happy camper and I did not like myself. That is one of the reasons why I decided to work on Mind, Body and Soul during the summer holiday. My trip to Umrah was a part of that experience, and my dissatisfaction had nothing to do with my trip. I needed to change my perspective.
Until next time,
A Woman of Egypt